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During the period in my life when I suffered with depression I kept myself separate from the outside world. Day after day, I plodded along, doing what I needed to survive while on the inside I was totally consumed with my suffering. I was completely focused on how lonely, sad and miserable I was.

One day, I got tired of the drama and went for a long walk around a lake in a National Forest. Immersing myself in nature allowed something within me to shift for the entire day. I was completely surrounded by beauty and the wonders of life.  I hardly thought about my suffering, my aloneness, my depression.

While that one outing did not cure my depression, it did open the door to what actions I could take to make myself feel better.  Every day I continued to enter into the natural world.  With each outing, I felt freer and more connected to all that is alive.  Simply watching a mother duck and her babies, or a dragonfly, or the sunlight dancing on the lake brought me happiness.  It was a very good start and a wonderfully positive habit that I maintain today.

This week, remain mindful of how easy it is to feel overwhelmed if all you concentrate on is instant gratification, technology, negativity, and your loneliness. It’s easy to collapse into yourself and your problems. Simply taking time to sit in nature is often just what you need to allow light into the darkness so you remember there is a way out.

There was a time I refused to take the actions I knew were best for me and for everyone concerned.  So I stayed in a relationship long after the lessons I needed to learn were over. I was stuck by the excuses that I could somehow make it work, or get the other person to change, or that I could not break the commitment I made. I bought the fear and guilt based rationalizations until the day I realized I was suffering and everyone around me was too. Not just because of the negative relationship but because we were not taking the actions we knew in our heart were best.

Too often we stay in negative situations for all the wrong reasons. If we know it is time to go then we need to honestly look at the excuses, fear, and guilt we are allowing to stop us from doing what needs to be done.  We must also remember that our actions serve as examples for others.  Do we honestly want the people we say we love to continue to endure what we are enduring? Do we want them to put aside self-love and respect because they do not have the courage to love themselves more by removing themselves from a negative situation? Do we really want to show them how little we respect ourselves by choosing to remain in our suffering rather than choosing to free ourselves?

Often we think we are wrong for leaving or giving up. We need to remember that when a relationship has run its course, we know it beyond doubt in our heart.  What makes us wrong is not leaving the relationship, but continuing to subject ourselves to the negative, to the suffering.

This week remember that loving yourself and others is courageously doing what you must even if that means taking yourself out of a relationship. Yes, moving on hurts. But the pain is bearable knowing that doing what needs to be done to end to your suffering will be best for everyone involved. Even if the other people involved do not change, you have changed yourself by bringing a higher level of awareness to the situation. You have refused to continue to make negative contributions to a relationship while calling it love. That is leading with your heart.

Have you considered that holding onto resentment against those who hurt you in the past is allowing them to continue having power over you in the present?

The people who hurt, mistreated, or ridiculed you have moved on or remain oblivious to the harm they caused.  There is no good that comes from you keeping the pain of the past alive. Take your power back by letting go of what you think they would have or could have done different.  Let go of the idea they should have known better just because you know better.

Accept the fact that people are at different levels of emotional awareness and responsibility. People who hurt others are passing on unconsciousness, which is what they know. Until they have the courage to question their behavior they will not “know” there is a better way.

This week, love yourself more than how you were treated by people who did not have the awareness you do. Since you know there is a better way, let go of the anger and resentment that is only hurting you. Forgive them for they did not know what they were doing so you must do what they could not.  And, if you are continuing to endure mistreatment it is time to begin loving yourself by setting boundaries.

Here is an exercise from my upcoming book that will help you to forgive:

Go to a quiet, comfortable, and safe place where you will not be interrupted.

Think back to the times when you were hurt by the actions of others. Write each instance on a separate sheet of paper.

When you are finished, put them into a bag.

Find a safe place to burn the papers, such as a fireplace, outdoor grill, fire pit, or a clay saucer that is placed on a concrete or dirt surface away from things like leaves or dry grass. As a precaution, have a bottle or two of water handy.

Take one paper out of the bag, and read what you have written. Remember the event, not as a victim of it, but as the powerful person you are now. Feel whatever emotions and feelings naturally come up. Then imagine you are a colander, and allow your emotional attachments to that event of your past to pour out and wash away.

Once you have felt the memories of this event, light the piece of paper on fire, and envision the pain of that event being burned up. See the person who hurt you standing in front of you. As the smoke rises from the paper, envision that any anger and resentment you still carry toward him or her is rising, leaving with the smoke.

I welcome you to repeat the same release affirmation I used, or you can write your own: “I accept this happened and that it is okay to be angry. I also accept I cannot do anything to change you or the past. Your behavior was not my fault, and I am not condoning your actions. By forgiving, I no longer allow you the power to continue hurting me. I am reclaiming power over my life and my thoughts. You are no longer welcome on my journey.”

Repeat this process with the other pieces of paper.

I was five years old when my dad stole a tiny piece of my candy corn. After making the Halloween rounds with mom, I sat at the kitchen table with my haul laid out before me. Deciding to open my favorite treat first, I placed each candy corn neatly on the table. Starting from the left with the largest piece I continued by size until on my right was the smallest one. It was my favorite and I was saving it until the end.

Without warning, my father swooped into the kitchen, grabbed my tiny favorite and ate it.  I burst into tears. He dropped to his knees, wrapped his arms around me and asked what was wrong. I told him the tiny one was my favorite. He said he took the smallest one because he wanted me to have the big pieces.

The next day my dad brought home two packages of candy corn. We sat across from one another at the kitchen table lining up each piece. After all the pieces were laid out, he gave me the smallest one from his package and I gave him the largest one from mine. Fifty two years later the memory of that exchange with my father is still a sweet treat within my heart.

This week, be thankful for all the pleasant memories you have of your life.  Feel gratitude because by concentrating on the positive you will create more positive.

One of the most self-loving actions I take is refusing to associate with people who are constantly negative or abusive. No matter if they are family, friends, acquaintances, or co-workers, I do not allow abuse, gossip, negativity, or being treated with disrespect. Love is positive behavior like appreciation, cooperation, honesty, loyalty, patience, support, etc.  So, negative behavior should not be tolerated, especially by those closest to us. 

Yes, it is easier to set and uphold boundaries with strangers. Yet, it is with our family, friends, and those we interact with on a regular basis that we have the most influence.  Our intimate relationships are the ones that are to be most loving and supportive. Therefore, our happiness and peace of mind are worth more than keeping abusive people in our life using fear-based excuses like – I do not want to be lonely, or they will change someday, or I can’t stop being around family. When we set strong and clear boundaries, and those limits are repeatedly ignored, it is time to change the situation which may include removing ourselves or them from our lives. 

This week remember, just because setting a boundary with someone may become uncomfortable for them, and you, does not mean you must back down. Setting a boundary with abusive and controlling people is challenging the power they think they hold over you. To create your best life you must keep your personal power. Do not give it away by feeling guilty or allowing someone to talk you out of the decision you made for the greatest good. In your heart you know it is the right decision. Part of loving yourself is to stay the course no matter what anyone else says. The truth is, if they knew better they would do better.  Since you do know better you must be the one who does better.

It may seem to you that I am a super confident person. Well, the truth is I am. And, I was not always completely comfortable being in my own skin. 

For many years I sought approval from outside. I did not want to rock the boat so too often I allowed myself to be treated like a door mat. I went against my values to be liked or to go along with the crowd. I only thought I was successful if other people said I was. I felt pretty only when someone said I was. I thought other people could make better decisions about my life than I could.  But, no matter what support I got or how other people built me up I was never satisfied.                     

One day I realized that validation for who I am must come from within. Only when I look to myself for approval am I genuinely satisfied with the decisions I make or how I look.  Only when I stay aligned with my values do I walk away proud of myself. Regardless what anyone else thinks, my life is a success only when I consider it to be. 

There is a difference between needing validation and wanting support.  Needing someone to validate us is placing the responsibility for our identity and worth outside ourselves. Support is when someone aligns with what we already know to be true about ourselves and our values.   

Grow your self-confidence by remaining aligned with your values. Look to yourself for the honest validation you want. Trust yourself to weigh the facts so you make your own decisions. Don’t wait for someone to tell you how wonderful you are. Take the lead in supporting yourself because when you are your own best friend and biggest fan you will truly feel loved and that is a super confidence builder.

 

When a stranger just comes out of left field and is rude to you he or she is already angry at something or someone else and you just happen to get in their way. 

It happened to my partner and me today when a woman started shouting at us at a red light. It was clear she was enraged but not at us. We were already stopped at the light when she drove up. When we happened to look over she just went ballistic. My partner and I both took a deep breath and ignored her. As soon as the light changed she floored it and sped away still angry at anyone and everyone.   

The key thing to remember is that when someone is so enraged they are willing to take it out on an innocent stranger they are not thinking. They are on auto-pilot of deeply wounded ego. There is no talking to them to point out how they are behaving. Most likely they are aware of their behavior but are blinded by their ego so they are looking for someone, anyone to pick a fight with. 

Don’t take it personally because when people do something like this they are directing their self-hatred outward. They are really mad at themselves and vomit their self-hatred onto others rather than look within to deal with the source of their pain.   

Love yourself more by being the emotionally responsible one and refuse to engage. No, it is not easy but it is definitely worth you taking the high road to not get involved with someone and their raging ego.

Over a year ago I banned a man from the Romancing Your Soul Facebook page who was abusive to me and other people.  Recently he wrote an email through this website asking if I would consider unblocking him on FB so he could participate again. He expressed doubt I would because if he were me he probably would not. I gave him access, allowing him to be part of our group again. 

For me it is important to give people the benefit of the doubt and another chance. It took me many, many mistakes to learn before I got to the place of consistently living my best life so why would I expect anyone else to get it on the first or even second attempt. 

It makes us feel good to support other people on their journey to do their best life. So it is important for us to accept that people will have bad days but that does not make them bad people. 

Treating other people as we want to be treated is giving second chances. Then we watch for the behavior that is a clear sign someone has changed for the better. And, if someone goes back to how they were before, we set another boundary.