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The idea that some negative situation – slavery, hunger, violence, abuse, lack of clean water, pollution, political and financial corruption, a swirling mass of plastic trash in the Pacific Ocean – is someone else’s problem is a great lie of ego.  Ego sees itself as separate so ego creates endless rationalizations why so many negative things within the world are‘the responsibility of someone else.

The truth is that legislative efforts to effect change pale in comparison to the collective power of responsible human beings taking countless numbers of individual actions. That means you are I are the answer. It is the mindful, positive daily actions we take that are changing the world for the better.

At one time I walked through life with a chip on my shoulder. I thought being angry and sometimes rude would help keep me from being hurt. One day I woke up to the fact that the aggressive and defensive energy I put out was exactly the energy I got back.  And, when I honestly looked at my behavior I realized that I ended up being hurt much more as a result of that angry and rude chip.

I no longer have the view other people are out to hurt me, or take what I want, or that they are going to use and abuse me. I believe the difference is that I realize the energy I put out is reflected back to me. While everyone I meet is not courteous and kind the vast majority are.  It seems the saying, “birds of a feather flock together,” is true because today the loving, patient, and accepting energy I put out is returned to me so much more than not.

Looking back I would not have imagined that changing my attitude would make a 180 degree difference in the ease by which I now travel through life. I am so grateful that I no longer focus on what other people need to do. I am so grateful I learned my best life is created by remaining focused on what I need to do to keep me happy, respectful, and peaceful.

The foundation of all successful relationships is trust.  Being able to depend on those we care about provides a sense of security and safety.  We can’t trust someone who says one thing and does another.

I remember when my mom was smoking she always said, “Do as I say, not as I do.” The problem with that line of thinking is that we learn how to behave by watching others.  People may think their words are what influences us. The truth is our actions are what teach acceptable behavior.

An important thing to remember about establishing trust in relationship is words are cheap.  We can say whatever we want but our actions must align with our words.  If what we say and our actions don’t align then it is lying.

Another thing to keep in mind is that non-verbal communication is almost 93% of all our communication.  So while we may say one thing with our words, our body will always tell the truth.  People can read our body language.  If we are lying they will feel it.

Love yourself by making sure your words and actions line up.  You will respect and trust yourself and other people will respect and trust you too.

I recently asked someone for her help to get a package to someone she knows.  Before asking her, I repeatedly assured her that she could say no to my request.  I told her it would be absolutely okay for her to refuse to help. But without one bit of hesitation she said yes and seemed excited.  Part of our initial conversation was letting her know this was a time sensitive situation. I needed the item delivered to the person she knew within a week to give them time to respond before a deadline. She assured me she would get the task done right away; within a few days.

After a week without any news I wrote an email to see about the progress.  She replied that she had been busy and was working on it.  After another week without any communication from her I wrote again and she assured me her schedule was now free.  Two weeks in and the deadline was rapidly approaching.

After another week without any word, time was running out so I contacted her again.  In response I got an angry email saying she would not help and reprimanded me for not respecting her boundaries. Needless to say I was shocked because no matter how many times I told her to say no upfront if she did not want to follow through on my behalf, she never once set a boundary of any kind. In each communication she assured me she would help. Now she was angry because she never intended to follow through but rather than say no upfront, she continued to say yes.

Healthy relationships are founded on mutual respect and trust. But being respected and trusted comes from being honest. We don’t establish trust or respect when we don’t say NO upfront to requests we do not want to do. Often we don’t say no because we fear being disliked. So we say yes without considering if we really want to do whatever it is that is being asked of us, or not.  When we go against the promises we make we get angry. Often we mistakenly take that anger out on the person we made the promise to.  Really our anger is at ourselves for not doing what we said we would.  We are angry because we did not say NO upfront.

It is okay to ask people for help. And, it is okay to say no. In fact it is a thousand times better to say no upfront than say yes but never follow through.

Be a true friend to yourself by courageously saying no upfront to anything you are not comfortable doing.  Respect yourself and other people enough to be honest.  The relationships that last are the ones where it is absolutely okay to say no and it is okay to be told no.

1. No is part of your vocabulary. You set healthy and clear boundaries by defining what behaviors are unacceptable in your relationships. You don’t care about being popular because self-respect comes from clearly, peacefully, and directly communicating how you desire to be treated. You do not allow abuse or mistreatment to continue, hoping the other person will change. Once you’ve set a boundary you don’t back down or cave.  While boundaries may not make you popular you know defining behavior that is not acceptable in relationship brings a higher level of awareness to situation than what created them in the first place.  
2. Self-care is a top priority. Nurturing your body, getting enough sleep, eating healthy, a massage, down time from technology, regular physical and dental examinations, periods of peaceful silence, time in playful activities, taking deep breaths, having someone watch the children, etc. are all ways of taking care of you.  You are devoted to making sure you give to others without feeling resentful.  That means you find ways to give to yourself each and every day. 
3. Self-sacrifice is healthy, not codependent. You are not responsible for the actions of others. Nor do you cover up or try to protect people from get back the consequences of their actions. While you are a support to others you don’t carry their burdens or worry about their problems. You accept you cannot change others and you don’t let yourself feel obligated to do what others expect at the expense of your needs. You don’t need someone to complete you rather you define your own self-worth and value.  You feel deserving of loving and being loved in a mutually respectful relationship.

We’ve all heard happiness comes from within. Someone else cannot make us happy. We must create our own happiness.  That we are not responsible for another person’s behavior, only for how we behave in response.

I agree. Yes, I am in charge of choosing to be happy, for seeing my glass as full rather than empty, for concentrating on the light at the end of the tunnel, for not depending on others for my overall peace and joy, and for opting NOT to ego-box with people who behave rudely.

Yet, the longer I live, the more I observe the daily interactions we have, I am convinced there is another side to the personal happiness coin that needs a lot more press.  The flip side is that you are not the only one responsible for your happiness. I play a role too, because my behavior creates a wake that sends energy outward just like a boat creates waves on water.

Yes, your overall contentment with life is absolutely your responsibility. And, the other half of that truth is that no matter how much you take responsibility for creating your own happiness – Congratulations by the way! – what I do DOES impact your happiness factor.

You are not going to be happy no matter how much deep breathing you do if I have a cell phone conversation during the middle of your child’s play, a movie, or at the theatre.  You can focus all your energy on remaining peaceful but happiness will elude you when I ignore traffic signs and make an illegal U-turn causing a traffic jam. Your calm and balance will go out the window when I behave thoughtlessly and cause a ripple effect that washes negatively over you.

The flip-sided truth to your happiness factor is that although I may live in a free country, I am not entitled to behave as I please! I am not free to do what I want without regard to the consequences of my actions. Action without accountability is not free. There are always consequences!

Our satisfaction and fulfillment in life comes from actively creating and nurturing good relationships with everyone, not just our family and friends. I learned that good relationships are not possible if I speed through life carelessly behaving as if I have a special pass to do whatever I want. Today I realize caring about the effect my actions cause is what makes me feel fantastic about me. I now accept there is nothing naïve, submissive, or weak about choosing to stop rushing through life without paying attention to my actions. Real courage is slowing down to keep my heart open to care about you too. That is the responsibility I have for your happiness.

Money does not make you rich, character does. There are lots of wealthy people who are absolutely impoverished in character.  You cannot buy a reputation for being a person of good character. It is earned by being a respectful, kind and responsible. You are truly wealthy when you accept the greatest legacy you will ever leave is choosing how well you live.